Comments for Just Wait http://justwait.us more beyond the dark Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:37:25 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 Comment on Karen by Melissa http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-15 Melissa Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:37:25 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-15 Michelle, Thank you for sharing your story. The more we reach out, the more others will know they are not alone. This isn't easy, and showing others how you got through is so important. Melissa Michelle,

Thank you for sharing your story. The more we reach out, the more others will know they are not alone. This isn’t easy, and showing others how you got through is so important.

Melissa

]]> Comment on Karen by Michelle http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-14 Michelle Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:35:00 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-14 I know the intensity of emotions you are facing right now. I was dating my husband before his first tour to Iraq. I was still living at home and going to college so I was pretty distracted and had close family and friends nearby which made it real easy. When he came back he proposed and 8 months later we married. He was stationed in Texas so we moved and I knew he was to re-deploy 9 months later but my mind thought I could handle it the same way I did the previous year. One month after we married they sent him away for training and that was my introductory to real military life. I thought how thoughtless the Army for taking him away after only a month married... haha i was naive at the time. As the months were nearing for his departure to Iraq I was starting to get nervous and felt angry. We were still newlyweds and I wanted more time with my new husband. He was so determined and focused on his mission. He acted like this was normal. I had to deal with it and yes he would miss me but it's ok, I felt him tell me. I was furious with the Army, furious with why I had chosen to follow him. I had graduated as an xray technologist and worked at a real good hospital where my career was just starting to take off when I decide to marry him and move to an apt. where neighbors are screaming and no friends and no support system. I had never heard about an FRG. My husband didn't tell me about all the resources the Army offered. I started searching for jobs while he was gone for that month and found one. I was happy again for a little while... They treated me like a rookie bullying me and telling me what to do as if I were their slave. My husband came home from his month long training and we needed to move out of our apt. because many burglaries and violence were threatening our neighborhood and I needed somewhere safe to live while he was gone. We were blessed with the purchase of our first house and the day we were set to move my job kept calling me saying I needed to come into work. I said no since I had a good reason to be off that day and I said I will go in the next day. I had the biggest reprimand from my boss the following day saying that I just took the day off because my husband had been gone and I don't understand but that she was a military wife and that I needed to learn that these men will just go off and leave you at home and then mess around with other women and then not want you when they come back. Her words were a curse and I didn't even know it... I had enough of her bullying and I resigned the following day. I joined a church and wanted to feel that there was some hope in my life. I felt that God was my only salvation. I kept attending and when my husband left I still got mistreated from church members as well. I felt like I didn't belong here and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't go back home to my family. I had a house to take care of now and my dog. So I stayed for a whole year. Depression, anger, loneliness... everything crept in. I dismissed a lot of my emotions as being a woman and overly sensitive and hormonal. I didn't realize I was creating an attitude and personality for my future that I would later regret. I had a rough upbringing so I knew how to brush things off and act like things were ok. No one ever really knew how I was feeling or so I thought. My husband knew a little but we were fortunate to be able to talk occasionally on Skype which helped a lot. I was still grieving though after those conversations. I think it hurts more. I prayed and sometimes couldn't anymore. I met new friends and then didn't feel like having any. Too much drama. I got a new job that really helped and I met a woman named Linda the same name as my mother and from the same state I was born and raised. She was a God-sent and her son was in Iraq as well. It was so much easier to talk with her as she new the pain and frustrations and I would cry on her shoulders and there would be days she cried on mine. Just that helped me go through the next few months. I started a pampered chef business and was real happy to be feeling like I can do this! Wow just when I was feeling like an overcomer my husband was soon to return home and then it was back to shifting again. How do I welcome him back and start over basically. I still felt lonely and I didn't know why. I felt distant from him though he was right next to me. 6 months after he came back we PCS'd (moved) to a different duty station and the next month he leaves again for an army mission. In that mission he encounters 6 prostitutes and comes home and I find out. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how I found out but all I can say is that God was on my side. I still can't believe that I can tell you this without crying. In that moment I thought my life was over. After all that waiting, after all that persistent unwavering faithfulness and sacrifices that I endured I didn't expect this or deserve it. I had all sorts of emotions. Depression set in again, anger, loneliness, wanting bad things to happen to him and wanting to end it for myself. My first reaction reaction, however, was to go to church. The night my husband revealed everything was the night they were holding a prayer gathering at church. How coincidental. I found a lady pastor who talked to me and met with me every day after that and called me also. I needed to go to the doctor because I was literally having panic attacks because of the pain. The hurt is so painful that i wondered if I was going to be crippled by it. I am terrified of needles but during that hospital visit all the needles they poked me with didnt compare to the hurt that split my heart. My husband was repentful and cried and did get a piece of me with both my fist and my harsh words which I don't regret but I knew that I used it too much after that to keep hurting him which in turn kept hurting me more and made me bitter. I had to come to a point where I needed a way out cuz i didn't have peace in me. I needed to forgive. He wanted to stay in this marriage and I needed to be able to forgive to stay as well. It comes and goes I can say the whole forgiveness aspect. I am a christian and love the Lord so deeply. I don't know how I could have done it without the help of my Lord and Savior. I am here today because of Him. I have to give him the credit. My husband actions, though I don't excuse it, was a consequence of years and years of pornography in which he engaged in since he was a little boy. I had no clue. Prayers and lots of it and his REPENTIVE heart helped to set him free of the stronghold. Not only that but strong accountability and boundaries also needed to be set in place. After a year and a half of that battle the struggle of my life continues as we are not able to concieve and I am growing weary. I pray that it will happen soon. My advice to everyone on this site is to not lose hope. There is a mighty plan and a future for everyone (Jeremiah 29:11) and though our spouses are part of it they aren't meant to be our god and that void can only be filled by the only true God in Jesus that can lead us to our fulfilled, overjoyed sense of purpose. I will continue to pray for you all and that the months will feel like days. Stay strong and stay connected. Much love, Michelle I know the intensity of emotions you are facing right now. I was dating my husband before his first tour to Iraq. I was still living at home and going to college so I was pretty distracted and had close family and friends nearby which made it real easy. When he came back he proposed and 8 months later we married. He was stationed in Texas so we moved and I knew he was to re-deploy 9 months later but my mind thought I could handle it the same way I did the previous year. One month after we married they sent him away for training and that was my introductory to real military life. I thought how thoughtless the Army for taking him away after only a month married… haha i was naive at the time. As the months were nearing for his departure to Iraq I was starting to get nervous and felt angry. We were still newlyweds and I wanted more time with my new husband. He was so determined and focused on his mission. He acted like this was normal. I had to deal with it and yes he would miss me but it’s ok, I felt him tell me. I was furious with the Army, furious with why I had chosen to follow him. I had graduated as an xray technologist and worked at a real good hospital where my career was just starting to take off when I decide to marry him and move to an apt. where neighbors are screaming and no friends and no support system. I had never heard about an FRG. My husband didn’t tell me about all the resources the Army offered. I started searching for jobs while he was gone for that month and found one. I was happy again for a little while… They treated me like a rookie bullying me and telling me what to do as if I were their slave. My husband came home from his month long training and we needed to move out of our apt. because many burglaries and violence were threatening our neighborhood and I needed somewhere safe to live while he was gone. We were blessed with the purchase of our first house and the day we were set to move my job kept calling me saying I needed to come into work. I said no since I had a good reason to be off that day and I said I will go in the next day. I had the biggest reprimand from my boss the following day saying that I just took the day off because my husband had been gone and I don’t understand but that she was a military wife and that I needed to learn that these men will just go off and leave you at home and then mess around with other women and then not want you when they come back. Her words were a curse and I didn’t even know it… I had enough of her bullying and I resigned the following day. I joined a church and wanted to feel that there was some hope in my life. I felt that God was my only salvation. I kept attending and when my husband left I still got mistreated from church members as well. I felt like I didn’t belong here and I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t go back home to my family. I had a house to take care of now and my dog. So I stayed for a whole year. Depression, anger, loneliness… everything crept in. I dismissed a lot of my emotions as being a woman and overly sensitive and hormonal. I didn’t realize I was creating an attitude and personality for my future that I would later regret. I had a rough upbringing so I knew how to brush things off and act like things were ok. No one ever really knew how I was feeling or so I thought. My husband knew a little but we were fortunate to be able to talk occasionally on Skype which helped a lot. I was still grieving though after those conversations. I think it hurts more. I prayed and sometimes couldn’t anymore. I met new friends and then didn’t feel like having any. Too much drama. I got a new job that really helped and I met a woman named Linda the same name as my mother and from the same state I was born and raised. She was a God-sent and her son was in Iraq as well. It was so much easier to talk with her as she new the pain and frustrations and I would cry on her shoulders and there would be days she cried on mine. Just that helped me go through the next few months. I started a pampered chef business and was real happy to be feeling like I can do this! Wow just when I was feeling like an overcomer my husband was soon to return home and then it was back to shifting again. How do I welcome him back and start over basically. I still felt lonely and I didn’t know why. I felt distant from him though he was right next to me. 6 months after he came back we PCS’d (moved) to a different duty station and the next month he leaves again for an army mission. In that mission he encounters 6 prostitutes and comes home and I find out. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how I found out but all I can say is that God was on my side. I still can’t believe that I can tell you this without crying. In that moment I thought my life was over. After all that waiting, after all that persistent unwavering faithfulness and sacrifices that I endured I didn’t expect this or deserve it. I had all sorts of emotions. Depression set in again, anger, loneliness, wanting bad things to happen to him and wanting to end it for myself. My first reaction reaction, however, was to go to church. The night my husband revealed everything was the night they were holding a prayer gathering at church. How coincidental. I found a lady pastor who talked to me and met with me every day after that and called me also. I needed to go to the doctor because I was literally having panic attacks because of the pain. The hurt is so painful that i wondered if I was going to be crippled by it. I am terrified of needles but during that hospital visit all the needles they poked me with didnt compare to the hurt that split my heart. My husband was repentful and cried and did get a piece of me with both my fist and my harsh words which I don’t regret but I knew that I used it too much after that to keep hurting him which in turn kept hurting me more and made me bitter. I had to come to a point where I needed a way out cuz i didn’t have peace in me. I needed to forgive. He wanted to stay in this marriage and I needed to be able to forgive to stay as well. It comes and goes I can say the whole forgiveness aspect. I am a christian and love the Lord so deeply. I don’t know how I could have done it without the help of my Lord and Savior. I am here today because of Him. I have to give him the credit. My husband actions, though I don’t excuse it, was a consequence of years and years of pornography in which he engaged in since he was a little boy. I had no clue. Prayers and lots of it and his REPENTIVE heart helped to set him free of the stronghold. Not only that but strong accountability and boundaries also needed to be set in place. After a year and a half of that battle the struggle of my life continues as we are not able to concieve and I am growing weary. I pray that it will happen soon. My advice to everyone on this site is to not lose hope. There is a mighty plan and a future for everyone (Jeremiah 29:11) and though our spouses are part of it they aren’t meant to be our god and that void can only be filled by the only true God in Jesus that can lead us to our fulfilled, overjoyed sense of purpose.
I will continue to pray for you all and that the months will feel like days. Stay strong and stay connected.
Much love,
Michelle

]]> Comment on Karen by Melissa http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-13 Melissa Mon, 17 Oct 2011 12:38:04 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-13 Donna, First, how you feel is how you feel. It isn't right or wrong. It just is. And with deployments, we go thought the five stages of grief: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. And acceptance. These stages move and grab up so quickly sometimes that we can feel out of control. But this is NORMAL for an abnormal situation. As for your husband, he is on a very different ride than you. Not better. Not worse. Just different. Trying to match these two worlds is very hard to navigate. I would highly suggest getting a counselor. Not because I think you sound like you need help. BUT because I think it is wonderful having someone who is there for just YOU. No one else. I went through counseling and am still going through it. The best choice I have ever made for me. If you would like more information, email Jenny: Jenny@notalone.com and see what is available in your area. You can also always join us for Trench Talk. We post it every Thursday night. Chris and Karen are the mediators, and they are there to hear you. And to listen. All my love. You are doing a GREAT job. Melissa Donna,

First, how you feel is how you feel. It isn’t right or wrong. It just is. And with deployments, we go thought the five stages of grief: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. And acceptance. These stages move and grab up so quickly sometimes that we can feel out of control. But this is NORMAL for an abnormal situation.

As for your husband, he is on a very different ride than you. Not better. Not worse. Just different. Trying to match these two worlds is very hard to navigate.

I would highly suggest getting a counselor. Not because I think you sound like you need help. BUT because I think it is wonderful having someone who is there for just YOU. No one else. I went through counseling and am still going through it. The best choice I have ever made for me.

If you would like more information, email Jenny: Jenny@notalone.com and see what is available in your area.

You can also always join us for Trench Talk. We post it every Thursday night. Chris and Karen are the mediators, and they are there to hear you. And to listen.

All my love. You are doing a GREAT job.

Melissa

]]> Comment on Karen by Donna McRae Duffield http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-11 Donna McRae Duffield Mon, 12 Sep 2011 03:31:30 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-11 What do you do when your husband tells you to "suck it up," and "stop being a big baby"? We've been married for a little over a year, and this is the first deployment for me, and his third (Afghanistan). It's the first deployment I've ever endured in my life, and the first he's ever gone through married. He's not used to having a wife waiting at home. When I talk to him on the phone, I've never cried, and the only real complaint I've voiced to him was about him joking with a female friend on facebook. My insecurities about this friend were sparked with what he calls a running joke and harmless name-calling, but it felt too much like flirting to me. I want that attention, and I don't want him giving it to someone else. He scolded me for even thinking such a thing, as he has been a very dedicated husband, but, yet again, my feelings were hurt that he couldn't understand why I felt hurt in the first place. After letting him know how I felt, I expected him not to do it again. But about a week later, he and this friend were name-calling again (calling each other jerk and punk). That's the way we usually tease each other (dork!), and how dare someone else be doing that with my husband?! I know this may sound ridiculous to some, and maybe I'm hypersensitive right now, but I expected him to respect my feelings anyway, even if he disagreed. This was the only argument we've had so far, and we have five months left out of seven months. All of our other conversations have been light and pleasant, with at least one or two that have been emotionally encouraging to me. Although I know they have to maintain a certain detachment to do what they do, we always end our conversations with "I love you." I've tried to explain to him the affects this deployment is having on me, but he doesn't understand. There have been times when he's said other things like, "Didn't you know what you were getting into when we got married?" Uh, no, I didn't because I have never had any experience with the military before now! These are things I'd expect a civilian to say, things that have been said to me by other people around me who've never experienced this. But how can he be so clueless? What do you do when your husband tells you to “suck it up,” and “stop being a big baby”? We’ve been married for a little over a year, and this is the first deployment for me, and his third (Afghanistan). It’s the first deployment I’ve ever endured in my life, and the first he’s ever gone through married. He’s not used to having a wife waiting at home. When I talk to him on the phone, I’ve never cried, and the only real complaint I’ve voiced to him was about him joking with a female friend on facebook. My insecurities about this friend were sparked with what he calls a running joke and harmless name-calling, but it felt too much like flirting to me. I want that attention, and I don’t want him giving it to someone else. He scolded me for even thinking such a thing, as he has been a very dedicated husband, but, yet again, my feelings were hurt that he couldn’t understand why I felt hurt in the first place. After letting him know how I felt, I expected him not to do it again. But about a week later, he and this friend were name-calling again (calling each other jerk and punk). That’s the way we usually tease each other (dork!), and how dare someone else be doing that with my husband?! I know this may sound ridiculous to some, and maybe I’m hypersensitive right now, but I expected him to respect my feelings anyway, even if he disagreed. This was the only argument we’ve had so far, and we have five months left out of seven months. All of our other conversations have been light and pleasant, with at least one or two that have been emotionally encouraging to me. Although I know they have to maintain a certain detachment to do what they do, we always end our conversations with “I love you.” I’ve tried to explain to him the affects this deployment is having on me, but he doesn’t understand. There have been times when he’s said other things like, “Didn’t you know what you were getting into when we got married?” Uh, no, I didn’t because I have never had any experience with the military before now! These are things I’d expect a civilian to say, things that have been said to me by other people around me who’ve never experienced this. But how can he be so clueless?

]]> Comment on Kathy by Sonja http://justwait.us/?p=46#comment-9 Sonja Wed, 07 Sep 2011 20:08:14 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=46#comment-9 Kathy, You put all that so beautifully. Thank you. Kathy,
You put all that so beautifully. Thank you.

]]> Comment on Just Wait, our story by Melissa http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-8 Melissa Thu, 01 Sep 2011 10:42:32 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-8 Angela, I hear you. And you are not alone in this. I believe what knocks me off my feet every time is that when I feel like we are moving forward, we have another hurdle, and another set back. And sometimes, the movement is so small, it feels like standing still. You have so many of us, here, standing with you. Going through it too. Understanding the fear and worry of speaking about your story. The concern that if you say too much about it, it may consume you and pull you under. The worry that if you cry, you may never stop. And if you take a moment for yourself, you may truly begin to feel the entire weight of it. I understand. And I'm here to tell you that I love you. I hear you. And I want to continue listening. We have so many avenues to get you plugged in. And if you haven't already emailed Jenny, please do. And you can email me, too. melissa@herwarhervoice.com Keep talking, Angela. Because you have a place in our world. And a voice. Melissa Angela,

I hear you. And you are not alone in this. I believe what knocks me off my feet every time is that when I feel like we are moving forward, we have another hurdle, and another set back. And sometimes, the movement is so small, it feels like standing still.

You have so many of us, here, standing with you. Going through it too. Understanding the fear and worry of speaking about your story. The concern that if you say too much about it, it may consume you and pull you under. The worry that if you cry, you may never stop. And if you take a moment for yourself, you may truly begin to feel the entire weight of it.

I understand. And I’m here to tell you that I love you. I hear you. And I want to continue listening.

We have so many avenues to get you plugged in. And if you haven’t already emailed Jenny, please do. And you can email me, too. melissa@herwarhervoice.com

Keep talking, Angela. Because you have a place in our world. And a voice.

Melissa

]]> Comment on Just Wait, our story by Angela http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-6 Angela Tue, 23 Aug 2011 08:54:55 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-6 I do want to try and get in touch with someone to talk to because if I don't I am going to loose it. I have been married 281/2 years and all of the sudden our whole life in in a shambles. I feel almost like I am in shock and have no clue how to even move some days. The husband I have counted on for years, and who was so stable and predictable is now someone I hardly know. I never thought our life would become so mixed up. We have three grown children, and 5 grand children and now I feel like we are starting over. My husband is working closely with the VA to try and get a handle on things.He has been home since 2007 and was getting better we were getting back to a new normal but all of a sudden out of the blue he is in the VA hospital, being treated for PTSD with TBI all over again. He was a combat Engineer and was blown up 4 times in his last deployment, he came home with so much physical and mental damage he has been deemed unfit for duty and is being forced to retire after 31 years of service. I do want to try and get in touch with someone to talk to because if I don’t I am going to loose it. I have been married 281/2 years and all of the sudden our whole life in in a shambles. I feel almost like I am in shock and have no clue how to even move some days. The husband I have counted on for years, and who was so stable and predictable is now someone I hardly know. I never thought our life would become so mixed up. We have three grown children, and 5 grand children and now I feel like we are starting over. My husband is working closely with the VA to try and get a handle on things.He has been home since 2007 and was getting better we were getting back to a new normal but all of a sudden out of the blue he is in the VA hospital, being treated for PTSD with TBI all over again. He was a combat Engineer and was blown up 4 times in his last deployment, he came home with so much physical and mental damage he has been deemed unfit for duty and is being forced to retire after 31 years of service.

]]> Comment on Just Wait, our story by Jenny http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-5 Jenny Mon, 22 Aug 2011 11:00:04 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-5 Angela, I am so glad you found us. PTSD, yes, a spouse can suffer from it. It's called secondary trauma, called that because the stress is coming from someone else's experience, NOT because it's second in any way to his. Unfortunately, sometimes the military and the general population will choose to treat you as secondary. You are right: if you keep your feelings bottled up, it's going to get worse. Our brains treat high stress coming from our loved ones the same way that their brain treats what they experienced that was so traumatic. If that stress is prolonged or severe enough, you end up with PTSD, same as your husband. If that's the case, then it might be helpful for you to talk to a professional. You might get better on your own, but the road will be longer and more painful. More than that, though, having a therapist to talk to is a way of intentionally putting you and YOUR needs first. You deserve happiness. If you aren't in touch with Her Her Her Voice, I encourage you to get involved in their community. They have lots of other women who know exactly what you are going through. If you do decide you want counseling, you can get it through our sister organization, Not Alone, without any cost. Everything would be anonymous and confidential as well. You can email me privately at jenny@notalone.com to get involved with that. I have worked with them since their beginning. Hope this helps, but if it doesn't, let me know. I'm happy to talk more (or less) about it. Thanks for reaching out. Angela, I am so glad you found us. PTSD, yes, a spouse can suffer from it. It’s called secondary trauma, called that because the stress is coming from someone else’s experience, NOT because it’s second in any way to his. Unfortunately, sometimes the military and the general population will choose to treat you as secondary.

You are right: if you keep your feelings bottled up, it’s going to get worse. Our brains treat high stress coming from our loved ones the same way that their brain treats what they experienced that was so traumatic. If that stress is prolonged or severe enough, you end up with PTSD, same as your husband. If that’s the case, then it might be helpful for you to talk to a professional. You might get better on your own, but the road will be longer and more painful. More than that, though, having a therapist to talk to is a way of intentionally putting you and YOUR needs first. You deserve happiness.

If you aren’t in touch with Her Her Her Voice, I encourage you to get involved in their community. They have lots of other women who know exactly what you are going through. If you do decide you want counseling, you can get it through our sister organization, Not Alone, without any cost. Everything would be anonymous and confidential as well. You can email me privately at jenny@notalone.com to get involved with that. I have worked with them since their beginning.

Hope this helps, but if it doesn’t, let me know. I’m happy to talk more (or less) about it. Thanks for reaching out.

]]> Comment on Just Wait, our story by Angela http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-4 Angela Mon, 22 Aug 2011 06:41:31 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=226#comment-4 How can I let my feelings out before they make me crazy, I am so afraid I will make things worse. PTSD, can a spouse suffer from it. It is my husbands diagnosis but my pain. I don't know where to begin. How can I let my feelings out before they make me crazy, I am so afraid I will make things worse. PTSD, can a spouse suffer from it. It is my husbands diagnosis but my pain. I don’t know where to begin.

]]> Comment on Karen by Heather R. http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-3 Heather R. Thu, 18 Aug 2011 00:34:22 +0000 http://justwait.us/?p=44#comment-3 Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting into words what is so hard for many to say. The darkness is always looming and it's people like you that help myself and others see that there is light. Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting into words what is so hard for many to say. The darkness is always looming and it’s people like you that help myself and others see that there is light.

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